October 29th, 2013 by Laraeven
How much of my energy issues are depression and how much is from my health issues? I don’t know. I know I am anemic and have a low B12 count from not eating meat. I ran out of vitamins to take to help with those issues. I know that it is affecting my exercising as well as my everyday life. I should not feel so shitty for a chick in her 30′s.
For instance, I had a bunch of plans for this Halloween season. I chickened out on the concert Friday night because of the crowds. I managed to get everyone together to go downtown on Saturday and haunt the stores. We walked for about 2 hours. I had plans to go back out Saturday night to hear a band on beach side. I just couldn’t pull my act together. I put PJs on and watched a horror flick on TV. Sunday I had plans again, but couldn’t make a go of my body even after copious amounts of coffee. Fall festivals be damned. I even missed out on the German Oktoberfest that I was really looking forward to. I just couldn’t find the energy to push myself to go.
Exercise is another thing. I can run everyday if I push, however, how far I run isn’t up to me. I get out of breath in a heart beat. I try to push through but end up dizzy. I would have to say that is the anemia. At first I thought it was just because I am out of shape. After weeks of working out it isn’t getting better. Jokes says he is worried about me. No insurance = no doctor = no meds Don’t get me started on the whole Obamabullcrap. If I can’t afford insurance now and they aren’t extending medicaid, I don’t know where they think I am going to come up with extra money. There are days that we eat ramen noodles because that is what we have until the next paycheck. I am already using credit cards to get by. I will have to pay those off too. Anyone want to put me to work? I am a fast learner. I just have a horrible resume with large gaps of time missing. *sigh* Didn’t think so…
Something has got to give. I can’t live like this much longer.
October 17th, 2013 by Laraeven
Today I woke up and decided to dress nice even though only a few people will see me. What is the occasion? Nothing. Just felt like it. Part of it is that my nails are painted and I have some make-up left from last night so I had to put some on today. I need to get some more make-up remover wipes otherwise known as baby wipes. What can I say, it is a special brand. It didn’t feel right putting on gym shorts and a t-shirt.
When I went to the school campus two of the staff complimented me on my outfit. That felt great. It is always nice to have someone tell you good things about the way you look. Either that or it was such a contrast to how I usually look that they couldn’t help but notice. *shrug* I am fine with it either way.
There is something to say about how you dress affects your emotional attitude. I find that when I need to deal with a stressful situation I feel better prepared if I dress up. If I have myself put together so that I exude positivity even if I am shaking in my shoes, I can deal with the stress much easier. “Fake it until you make it” kind of attitude. It is kind of like playing a part in a play. You can be anyone you choose to be and no one will know the hurting person inside. Although, it also has an effect on me when I dress up. I feel better about myself. So that goes a long way in my self confidence as well.
I can see how the fly lady theory could work for people that have the energy to devote towards it. If we can each adapt a positive spin on life it makes the misery easier to deal with, at least until the tunnel of despair overrides it. This is my manic side coming out just a bit. I wish I could feel like this more often. My downs are increasingly more than my ups. Time to keep battling.
October 16th, 2013 by Laraeven
Forget love is a battlefield, life is a battlefield. I have to wake up with the attitude that today is not going to beat me. I am going to lead and push through the day like a boss. Make strives towards the small accomplishments because they add up in the overall picture. Depression will tell you that you are not worth it and that you should just go back to bed. Fight it. Push past the sadness and do something. Be active. Be proactive. Leave no minute unturned.
I know it is easier said than done. I fight the fight every day, up and down. Today I made the decision to go around the block and get some movement in my life. I might not have run far, but I ran. On to the next…
October 15th, 2013 by Laraeven
Plagued by the Sha of Doubt my life runs in circles from itself. I know where I want to be in life. I know what my goals are and which steps I need to take to get there. Doubt is one of the things that keep me from moving forward. I am filled with thoughts of not being good enough. I am the jack of all trades and a master of none. It plagues me in the games I play, in real life choices, in being positive… the list goes on. Positive affirmations only go so far to disentangle the tentacles of doubt from my thoughts. It weighs me down, consumes me.
September 24th, 2013 by Laraeven
I spent the morning at the college speaking with an adviser, the registrar, and admissions about my situation. After everything was said and done I am still in the degree program for an AS in Biomedical Technology. They are going to let me continue on the basis that I take a course this Spring. According to the adviser the lady that wrote the letter I received does not work there anymore. They are going to disregard the portion of the letter that states that I have to register and complete a class this Fall.
Since I am only two classes away and I am actually going towards a completion of the degree they are going to keep me in the program. I swear I must have thanked everyone over and over for giving me the chance. I am still kind of in shock that they are letting me stay. They could have been assholes and went by what the letter states. Whew! I feel like I dodged a bullet. I am going to resume my classes this Spring with Chemistry 2.