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Bad Day- Confessions of OCD

This is going to be an inside look at what a bad day can mean for me. Today was a bad day or rather has turned into a horrible day. I sit here with my skin crawling and I just want to rip it off. I took a shower with the hottest water I could, pulling on my hair for pain so that I didn’t feel my skin crawl. I am better now except for some minor buggy feelings. What set me off? It was a combination of things.

This morning started out great. I made coffee for the first time by myself with the new coffee maker. I was proud when Jokes woke up to the nice surprise of having it already done for him. He has been making the coffee because the old coffee maker set my OCD off if I did it. I just couldn’t get it clean enough no matter how hard I cleaned. This one is brand new so I am hopeful that I will be able to manage it. Contamination is a major deal to me. It isn’t about the house being clean. My house is no where near safe or clean. It is about things getting contaminated and I can’t bring myself to touch them. What am I afraid of.. can’t tell you. If I feel something is contaminated I just get a feeling that I can’t touch it. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to be near it.

Food is a big thing for me. I pick around my food, dissecting it until I only eat what I feel is safe. If a food is past the expiration date or even the sell by date I toss it. I just can’t trust it even if it looks okay. I am the worst with fruit. My aunt gave us a big container with grapes in it. The kids wanted to eat them for breakfast. When I went to wash them I noticed that a few of them had spots on them. Without a second thought I tossed the whole container in the trash and made something else for the kids. A normal person would have taken just the bad grapes off and washed the rest. I couldn’t bare it. Just knowing the kids had grapes yesterday from the same batch makes me batty. I try to rationalize that the kids are okay and not puking from a poison we can’t see. I can’t buy fruit sometimes at the store because I can’t find the perfect apple without bad spots or bruises or cuts. Even if I find one apple that is good if it is in a crate with bad ones I won’t buy it. My mother would just buy the best apple she could and cut any bad places off. Can’t do it. Just the thought of touching the bad fruit gives me a bad feeling.

Most of the time I will purchase food that has already been trimmed or cleaned so that I can eat it. This costs more and it isn’t always a guarantee that whoever prepared it knew what they were doing. I have thrown out a lot of food in my life and I feel guilty for it because I know how many people are hungry in this world. When we go out to eat there is always food left on my plates. The servers always ask if I am finished and I reply that I am leaving some for the angels. In all honesty it is food I can’t bare to look at much less be near and I just want them to get rid of it fast. If I am sitting at a table that has room I will move the plate as far away from me as possible. I feel like such a freak.

Today the grapes were one thing and then my mother calls me to tell me that my niece has lice. OH MY GOD! She was here just before my mother called. My kids were around her yesterday for my Great Aunt’s 99th birthday. I sat next to her in some of the photographs from the day. This news sent me over the edge. I am trying not to scrub the house down. Sweep, mop, wash clothes. I immediately start thinking of all the possibilities. My skin crawls and I want to scrub it off my body. What a nightmare! I am some what relieved by the fact that my kids changed clothes yesterday when we got home from the party. That cuts down on some of the chance that they might get the bugs too. I am such a wreck that I can’t even eat lunch. I end up dumping my food after a few bites to go jump in the shower. So here I sit after the shower and my skin crawls. My house is contaminated and there is nothing I can do but hope that the universe has mercy on my family and we don’t end up infested.(Edit to add that we didn’t get the bugs. After 2 weeks of waiting we are in the clear.)

I remember being normal. I remember playing in the dirt and bringing home turtles from the canal behind my house. Last night I couldn’t even bear to watch Game of Thrones when Jamie fell off his horse and they held him in the mud. It wasn’t him getting his hand cut off that I was hiding my head behind a blanket it was because he was in the mud. My kids are probably the cleanest kids because they will never go into the canal to bring turtles home for me to see. Nature belongs outside and will stay outside if I can mandate it. The problem is that this is no way to live. My kids should be able to play in the woods, go fishing, bring shells home from the beach.. all are things that set me off. I feel sorry for them because of me. Excuse me while I go put lotion all over my exposed skin and hope that today will just be over soon.

PS. This doesn’t even begin to cover all of my ticks. It is just this moment in time.

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