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A Letter of Denial

September 24th, 2013 by Laraeven

This past Summer I received a letter in the mail that stated that the college, where I have been attending the past 3 years, was going to close my degree. That if I did not register and complete one class per Fall and Spring term that I would considered as a non-degree student. To comply with the letter’s demands I registered in an online calculus class as an elective. I chose online because I knew I didn’t have time for a class right now. That was the reason I wasn’t enrolled since last Fall. I was taking a break to get my life in order before finishing my degree. I am only two classes away from the AS in Biomedical Technology. I figured if I took an online class I would be able to squeeze it in at some point during the week, however, this was not the case.

After starting out strong I hit three terrible weeks that threw me into the deep-end. I failed the first exam and began to realize that no matter what I did this was not the time for this class. That realization sent me through the roof with stress. If I could not complete the class I would be kicked out of the major no matter who I begged and pleaded. My only course of action at this time is to cut off the arm to save the body of work I have already finished. If I withdraw from the class now it will not affect my GPA. I won’t be able to finish my AS degree even though I am only two classes away from finishing it.

All of this hit me very hard until I came to terms with it. Since I have finished so many credits I have the chance at getting a secondary certificate. This I will add to my already completed AA to help me locate a better paying job. The certificate is a Scientific Workplace Preparation College Credit Certification. That basically means that I have some extra science courses that will put me into another program if I choose to go that route. It should help me get into a laboratory as an assistant or lackey of some sort. Honestly, I have to stop looking at it as a second place prize. Sure I didn’t complete the AS and that makes me a failure, but it wasn’t totally my fault. I was a victim of circumstance. I will have to pay monetarily for my mistakes and count it as a lesson learned.

I did ask the college, or rather my adviser, why they were closing the degree. They explained that many of the health-field students (pre-med and nurses) use my degree to get their pre-reqs finished and then switch to their majors. This looks bad upon the college because they have to report to the government how many they have in a degree and how many degrees they have completed. It makes the college look bad because they have a huge gap where this degree sits in their catalog. So because of people abusing the system I have been sent this letter that totally screwed me over. That makes me angry and hurt, but I also have to take the blame. I tried to continue and fell short of the finish line.

Achoo choo chooo… FUCK!

September 17th, 2013 by Laraeven

The hill will have to wait. I have been sick since a few days after that post. This has been the worst cold I have had in the past 5 years. It just won’t go away and when I start to feel better BAM! sick again. Just to catch anyone who gives a damn up to my every day chaos, I am taking calculus again. My dad had back surgery which led to him having an infection and delayed recovery. He is supposed to come stay with me after he gets out of the rehab center. (every time I say that it seems wrong because I think drugs) No telling when that is going to happen. I get all my news second hand and sometimes wildly stretched. Once I get better I will go see him to get the truth of everything.. unless he dies. (OCD Much!)

Sadly and unexpectedly I miss running. I miss pounding my frustration on the pavement. I miss pushing myself. I am still losing weight because I have been active in other ways and still not eating much because of this fucking cold. Nothing tastes right. We will see if I gain any of it back or if it stays gone. I am hoping to never see these numbers again.

Thanks, WarcraftPets for the image.

In WoW, 5.4 just came out so I have plenty of things to do to keep me busy. I am hooked on battle pets. I got the new Ruby Droplet. I love it! I can’t wait to train it up to see how it battles. I tried the Celestial Tournament. I made it to the 4 boss guys and killed one of them before all 30 of my lvl 25 pets were dead. I need more beast killing mechs. Once I level more up to max level I will try again with a game plan. I just went in there once to see what it is about. Seems to be pretty cool for ultimate pet battling. Little Tommy’s pet comes down to RNG. I have beat it a few times. Thankful for all the band-aids I burned through rezzing my team.

When your sick what else are you supposed to but play video games and read. Right now I am reading the Mortal Instruments series. I plan to take my oldest to see the first movie of that before it is out of the theater. She saved up the money to go. The book series is geared towards her age group. I like it for what it is worth. I wanted to throw the first book, but she told me some spoilers to keep me reading. It will be a nice outing for the two of us. I like it when books are used for other things… er most of the time.

Calculus class… Meh! Looking for a tutor. It started out good the first two weeks and then I drowned.

Running- The Hill

September 3rd, 2013 by Laraeven

As you all know I started running two weeks ago. I set a goal to do it for two weeks and this is the start to week three. My run is more of a run/walk at this time. I have a set course that has been measured out. The first week I ran 1/4th of the course and walked the rest. Last week I got where I was running just about half of the course and walking the rest. This week there are only two stretches of the course that I walk and part of that contains a hill. That hill will be the last for me to conquer. This week I come just to the base of it and walk to the top then jog the rest of the way down. This hill represents hurdles in my life that have stopped me from moving forward. I will conquer that hill.

Bad Day- Confessions of OCD

September 1st, 2013 by Laraeven

This is going to be an inside look at what a bad day can mean for me. Today was a bad day or rather has turned into a horrible day. I sit here with my skin crawling and I just want to rip it off. I took a shower with the hottest water I could, pulling on my hair for pain so that I didn’t feel my skin crawl. I am better now except for some minor buggy feelings. What set me off? It was a combination of things.

This morning started out great. I made coffee for the first time by myself with the new coffee maker. I was proud when Jokes woke up to the nice surprise of having it already done for him. He has been making the coffee because the old coffee maker set my OCD off if I did it. I just couldn’t get it clean enough no matter how hard I cleaned. This one is brand new so I am hopeful that I will be able to manage it. Contamination is a major deal to me. It isn’t about the house being clean. My house is no where near safe or clean. It is about things getting contaminated and I can’t bring myself to touch them. What am I afraid of.. can’t tell you. If I feel something is contaminated I just get a feeling that I can’t touch it. I can’t deal with it. I don’t want to be near it.

Food is a big thing for me. I pick around my food, dissecting it until I only eat what I feel is safe. If a food is past the expiration date or even the sell by date I toss it. I just can’t trust it even if it looks okay. I am the worst with fruit. My aunt gave us a big container with grapes in it. The kids wanted to eat them for breakfast. When I went to wash them I noticed that a few of them had spots on them. Without a second thought I tossed the whole container in the trash and made something else for the kids. A normal person would have taken just the bad grapes off and washed the rest. I couldn’t bare it. Just knowing the kids had grapes yesterday from the same batch makes me batty. I try to rationalize that the kids are okay and not puking from a poison we can’t see. I can’t buy fruit sometimes at the store because I can’t find the perfect apple without bad spots or bruises or cuts. Even if I find one apple that is good if it is in a crate with bad ones I won’t buy it. My mother would just buy the best apple she could and cut any bad places off. Can’t do it. Just the thought of touching the bad fruit gives me a bad feeling.

Most of the time I will purchase food that has already been trimmed or cleaned so that I can eat it. This costs more and it isn’t always a guarantee that whoever prepared it knew what they were doing. I have thrown out a lot of food in my life and I feel guilty for it because I know how many people are hungry in this world. When we go out to eat there is always food left on my plates. The servers always ask if I am finished and I reply that I am leaving some for the angels. In all honesty it is food I can’t bare to look at much less be near and I just want them to get rid of it fast. If I am sitting at a table that has room I will move the plate as far away from me as possible. I feel like such a freak.

Today the grapes were one thing and then my mother calls me to tell me that my niece has lice. OH MY GOD! She was here just before my mother called. My kids were around her yesterday for my Great Aunt’s 99th birthday. I sat next to her in some of the photographs from the day. This news sent me over the edge. I am trying not to scrub the house down. Sweep, mop, wash clothes. I immediately start thinking of all the possibilities. My skin crawls and I want to scrub it off my body. What a nightmare! I am some what relieved by the fact that my kids changed clothes yesterday when we got home from the party. That cuts down on some of the chance that they might get the bugs too. I am such a wreck that I can’t even eat lunch. I end up dumping my food after a few bites to go jump in the shower. So here I sit after the shower and my skin crawls. My house is contaminated and there is nothing I can do but hope that the universe has mercy on my family and we don’t end up infested.(Edit to add that we didn’t get the bugs. After 2 weeks of waiting we are in the clear.)

I remember being normal. I remember playing in the dirt and bringing home turtles from the canal behind my house. Last night I couldn’t even bear to watch Game of Thrones when Jamie fell off his horse and they held him in the mud. It wasn’t him getting his hand cut off that I was hiding my head behind a blanket it was because he was in the mud. My kids are probably the cleanest kids because they will never go into the canal to bring turtles home for me to see. Nature belongs outside and will stay outside if I can mandate it. The problem is that this is no way to live. My kids should be able to play in the woods, go fishing, bring shells home from the beach.. all are things that set me off. I feel sorry for them because of me. Excuse me while I go put lotion all over my exposed skin and hope that today will just be over soon.

PS. This doesn’t even begin to cover all of my ticks. It is just this moment in time.

Self Teaching Discipline

August 27th, 2013 by Laraeven

Three of us in this household are taking some form of online school. This takes a particular type of discipline because it is very easy to put off lessons until the last minute. Having a plan of action can help keep things on track. Each of us have different styles of studying and what works for one will not work for another. It is very easy to fall behind when the only one pushing you forward is yourself.

I have found that dedicating a time each day to focus just on my class gives me the structure I need to get the job done. It still takes a lot of work to stick to my plan. There are days when I just want to read instead of watch lecture videos or I feel that I can put it off until later. Just later never comes so then the next day I am kicking myself for not getting it done. With daily functions and other things pulling at me it is hard to make sure I put my priorities in order. I would much rather fold clothes while watching a movie than complete an online homework.

My oldest kid is doing online school this year. She has a different work ethic than I do. As a kid I would never have wanted to write stories or read in my free time. She stays busy doing things that I think benefit her education. I was a gamer kid that would play sick to stay home with the Nintendo just to beat one more round of my latest game. B will do well with online school. She will still need me to coach her here and there to keep her on task. It is easier for me to keep someone else on task than it is to keep myself on task. I guess that is like cleaning someone’s house rather than your own. It just comes easier.

The main thing to remember about self teaching is to not let yourself get overwhelmed. Take on things one at a time and don’t worry about deadlines that are not immediate. Don’t get ahead or behind, just stay in the zone. No one ever said doing work of any type was easy at home. In fact, it is just the opposite. Working, school or otherwise, from home takes great self discipline.